ohOn another day, it might even have been pretty funny. The mismatch between Kemi Badenoch’s self-confidence and her performance. But the prime minister’s questions on Wednesday were too serious for that, as Donald Trump’s terrifyingly big Iranian adventure threatens to escalate into an all-out war in the Middle East.
It was also a day when you could think the unthinkable. Could Kemi be even weaker than Chris Philp? Without a doubt, she is the worst leader of the conservative party in living memory. Once again, the talent gene pool is nothing more than a puddle.
Sometimes an opposition leader simply has to hold out at PMQs. Suspend usual hostilities for the sake of the country’s security. Keir Starmer had to do this quite regularly in the early days of the Ukraine conflict. Offering his unequivocal support to Boris Johnson. It’s called acting in the national interest. And there is a long-term reward. Because in the end people recognize you as a serious politician. Someone the country could one day trust to be prime minister.
But Kemi just isn’t that serious. Perhaps she has already realized that she will never be prime minister and thinks it doesn’t matter. Although that would give credence to a much more personal vision than he has previously revealed. Rather, it’s that, at best, Kemi is a two-dimensional cutout. A cartoon version of an opposition leader. A woman without nuances who is doomed to fail again and again while she shouts the same questions over and over again and understands nothing. Tone deficit disorder.
I suppose an exception could be made for not following wartime conventions, if Kemi actually had some observations that were new and accurate. If she does, she will keep them to herself. What’s more worrying for conservatives is that most of the rest of the country appears to have a better understanding than she does of the geopolitical ramifications of a war in the Middle East. So when Kemi says he speaks for the country, he really isn’t. It’s just another part of his self-deception. The unbearable lightness of Kemi. She’s really just talking to herself.
These are the lessons Kemi has learned from the last five days. That if the United States starts a war, then the United Kingdom should immediately offer its unconditional support. Kemi will get someone else to count the body bags later. Anything less than total war would be pathetic and weak. To worry that Donald Trump hasn’t really thought through the consequences of his actions (God forbid) would be to undermine the Special Relationship.
Starmer’s conclusions have been quite different. First, after Iraq, taking the country into another illegal war might not be the wisest move. Secondly, no one ever lost money betting on how stupid and capricious Donald could be. It would never have occurred to the president of the United States that it was necessary to have an end in mind before dropping bombs on Tehran. The only plan Trump had was to continue until he got bored. Then he would stop and let the fools clean up the mess. The British wouldn’t have gotten much thanks either if they had joined. Trump does not have long-term relationships. He is an orange man-child. One day you will be his best friend. The next, you’re dead to him.
So the clashes between Keir and Kemi at PMQs seemed almost existential. A battle between sanity and the distorted reality of an angry teenager. Fortunately, sanity won. Starmer had begun with the seriousness the subject deserved. Almost a public service broadcast. The protection of UK citizens in the area was a priority. Kemi quickly increased the intensity. Nobody wants to see an escalation, he said. But why hadn’t we escalated the war? There was no part of Iran that we should not bomb. I wasn’t sure why we should escalate the situation, but it would be a lot more exciting if we did. And it would give him a sense of purpose.
From then on, things fell apart even more for Kemi. Having initially embarrassed himself by demonstrating his lack of knowledge of the F35’s missile capabilities, Kemi then launched into an all-out rant about the state of the British armed forces. It was a dereliction of duty by the Labor government. Except it really wasn’t. It was about the cuts the Conservatives made during their 14 years in office. Somehow, Kemi believes that three aircraft carriers and five destroyers can be built in a couple of months. It’s like they were Airfix kits.
Starmer pointed all this out and Shadow Defense Secretary James Cartlidge became extremely agitated and grabbed the Ukrainian flag on his lapel. Actions, not words, James. Keir then attempted to use his time to provide information on progress in the evacuation of British citizens from the Gulf. Everyone except the reformist treasurer, Nick Candy, who has declared that he feels safer with missiles hitting Dubai than Sadiq Khan’s London. Actually.
This seemed to outrage Kemi. She didn’t seem the least bit interested in whether the British returned home safely. If you’re going on vacation or working abroad, you deserve everything that comes your way. Thank God she will never be prime minister. She returned to her topic. Starmer had stopped funding the armed forces and given all the money to benefit freeloaders. Conservative policy now was to suspend all benefits for at least two months so we could buy lots of missiles and bombs. Bomb bomb.
Kemi sat with a wide smile on her face. The appearance of a job well done. I had no idea it had crashed and burned. He had one of the worst (almost embarrassing) performances ever at PMQs during a time of national crisis. In her opinion, she will always be the heroine of every story. Even the 1% poll in the Gorton and Denton byelections has been rewritten as a win. There can be no hope for someone with such a severe personality disorder.
Still, there was another conservative who was a fool. Step forward Gareth Bacon, who asked about the special relationship. They handed him his ass on a platter. The special relationship was about defending each other and sharing information. It wasn’t about following Donald Trump like a lapdog. The conservative right was very disconnected from the country. Keir may have been a disappointment as Prime Minister nationally. But it’s not worth thinking about the state we would be in if Kemi or Farage were in Downing Street right now.
