The UFC and the FBI announced Wednesday that a group of MMA fighters will visit Quantico this weekend to “host exclusive training seminars for academy students and senior FBI personnel from around the world.” I think we can all guess which of the high-ranking FBI staff members wanted the opportunity to play fantasy camp.
The following quote appears to have been delivered by an excitable little man already wearing compression shorts and hand wraps.
“We are thrilled to announce this historic seminar between the FBI and UFC at Quantico,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “This is a tremendous opportunity for FBI agents to learn and train alongside some of the greatest athletes on the planet, helping the world’s best law enforcement be better prepared to protect the American people. Dana White has changed the game of the mixed martial arts industry, and we are extremely honored to partner with him, the professionals, and the UFC. We appreciate their shared love for their country so we can better protect her.”
Not since the unholy union of Fanatics and Ticketmaster has there been a partnership this natural. Patel came up with the idea shortly after being appointed FBI director last year. This tracks because Donald Trump’s administration is full of MMA fans and the president is friends with UFC czar Dana White. There are already plans to hold a UFC event on the South Lawn of the White House in June to celebrate America’s 500th anniversary.
But certainly no one involved actually believes that Jiu-Jitsu’s ground position will help dispatch the global threat. Justin Gaethje will not improve the bureau’s clearance rate. All in all, this seminar should be thought of as reinforcement for Patel, who can be blunt in his enclosure.
The FBI director came under a lot of scrutiny last month for excessive jet fuel use, so teachers had to make sure they had something accessible by car. And it will help him burn off that fruit snack he had at lunch. This weekend’s action is expected to include monologues on leadership and resilience, mixed with some grappling that requires some effort, and, ideally, possibly a few demonstrations of guillotine chokes from Patel. Maybe someone has ringworm.
