We’ve all received the odd email or comment. The kind that makes you wonder if the other person has ever been with another person. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: We’re probably all guilty of the same thing.
This is easy to accomplish. Hasty replies, clumsy phrasing, the tone on the screen is completely different than the tone in your head. So how do you avoid coming across as passive, aggressive, aloof, or just a bit of a jerk?
Why Written Communication Goes Wrong
It’s much easier to communicate face to face. You have an array of tools at your disposal, from your smile and tone of voice to the little smile that softens difficult information. Take away all of that and you’re left with just words on the screen, and even if your intentions are good, those words have the power to cause bad results.
Research consistently shows that people overestimate the power of their tone in writing. Most of us assume that the warmth we feel while typing is somehow embedded in the text. This is not the case. Readers fill in the blanks with their own moods and their history with you—all ending with how their day was.
If any of these things are out of character for you, your perfectly reasonable information becomes Exhibit A. The good news is that most poor written communication is not malicious but simply the result of carelessness. Carelessness can be repaired.
Phrases to avoid
Let’s start by looking at those seemingly good phrases that make you feel passive aggressive. I’m talking about phrases that have become so loaded that they are basically impossible to use innocently anymore. You know those…
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“Based on my last email” The written equivalent of slowly turning around and staring at someone. It says: I’ve told you so (big sigh), and I’m secretly angry that I have to say it again. Even if this is exactly how you feel, writing it down is not a good idea.
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“keep going” Meaning anything that happened before is a problem that needs to be corrected.
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“Just checked in” It can be understood as chasing, but you don’t want to admit that you are chasing.
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“Thanks in advance” Eliminates other people’s choices and assumes compliance.
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“As I mentioned” It’s a polite way of saying you’re not listening.
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“Just add my two pence…” Shows false modesty. You didn’t add two pennies. You have your own opinions and are about to share them in detail. Even if the other party doesn’t ask for it.
None of these are inherently evil. Of course, context matters. But before you hit send, they’re worth tagging internally. Ask yourself: Is there a warmer, more direct way to say the same thing? Usually there is.
what to say
Thankfully, most of the phrases above have perfectly suitable alternatives that convey the same meaning without causing offense. It’s usually just a matter of being a little more direct and human.
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Instead of “following my last email” try: “Just trying to bring it back to the surface so it doesn’t get buried.” It acknowledges reality without anger.
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Don’t “just check”, but be honest about what you’re doing: “I’d like to follow up on this – is there anything you need from me to move this forward?” You’re still chasing, but now you can express openly that you’re willing to help rather than just keep applying pressure.
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Instead of saying “thanks in advance” try “I really appreciate your help with this” – It’s warmer and makes the other person feel like they have a choice rather than a directive.
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Ditch the “as I mentioned” and just say it again. No reminder that you’ve already said it. Simple and easy.
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What if you really want to add two pennies? Just add them. Remove the disclaimer and make your point clear. “I think…” Be more honest and confident than hiding behind false modesty.
The pattern here is simple: Say what you mean, assume good intentions on both sides, and resist the urge to embed a little sting in your phrasing. Most of the time, warmer options exist. You just have to reach for it.
Short reply to question
Yes, a one line reply can be effective. But it can also be read as cold, dismissive, or passive-aggressive…it all depends on the relationship, the context, and what kind of day the recipient is having.
“Fine” or “noted,” “okay” or “sure”—these are all technically acceptable responses, but at the wrong moment, they can feel like a slap in the face. The person on the receiving end has no way of knowing whether you’re truly happy with something or if you’re quietly seething. They usually assume the latter.
The solution is not to fill every reply with empty pleasantries. No one wants to go through the trouble of saying “Hope you’re doing well! Thank you so much!” to a “yes” or “no” conclusion. This is to add just enough warmth to show you’re engaged rather than annoyed. “Sounds good, thanks for sorting this” takes an extra four seconds to type and reads completely different than “fine.”
If you’re really in a hurry, a brief acknowledgment goes a long way: “That’s it – I’ll get back to you later today”. This sentence will do more to foster a relationship than a perfectly formatted but emotionally blank reply.
How to argue, disagree, or say no
This is where most people really get off the hook. Dissenting opinions via email can be really difficult because without tone, even measured objections can be interpreted as hostility.
Instincts are often either so softened that true perspective is lost, or overcorrected into bluntness that is interpreted as aggression. Neither works.
A helpful technique is to acknowledge before fighting back. Not in a sycophantic way…no one needs “What a nice touch!”. But before proposing a different position, truly recognize the other person’s position. “I can understand why you would approach it the way you do – my concern is that…” is expressed very differently from “I disagree because…” even though the substance is the same.
When saying “no,” lead with what you can do, not what you can’t do. “I can’t accept this right now, but I can think about it in two weeks” is more useful and less discouraging than an outright rejection. What if the answer is really no? Be kind to it. “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not cut out for this.” Close the door, but not the door.
The trap of being too formal
There is a special kind of professional writing that mistakes form for ability. It generates emails that read like they were drafted by a Victorian lawyer who was having a really bad day.
“Please note…”, “I would like to take this opportunity…” or “Following my previous letter…” No one talks like this in real life. So when it shows up in an email, it creates a strange distance – as if someone you thought you knew has been replaced by a bureaucratic robot.
Formalism has its place. A legal document is not the same as an email to a colleague. But in most professional creative settings, it’s much better to write in the way you would actually talk to someone—clearly, directly, with a touch of warmth—than in language that sounds like you’re making a complaint to a committee.
A simple test: read your email back and ask if you would actually say any of it out loud to the person you wrote to. If the answer is no, rewrite it until you feel comfortable with it.
Please re-read before sending
Sounds obvious. This is obvious. And yet… the simple act of reading back a message before sending it can cause a host of unintentional tone issues. The question to ask when you reread is not “Is this accurate?” but “How would I feel if I received this?” On a slightly difficult day, genuinely put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see how it plays out.
If something gives you pause—a phrase that sounds quicker than you expected, a closing that feels oddly cold—change it. This takes thirty seconds and may save you a very awkward follow-up conversation.
What if you were writing when you were really angry or frustrated? Don’t send yet. Remove recipient addresses from the email, write a draft, save it, and walk away. Come back in an hour. The message almost always needs editing. Sometimes you may find that you don’t need to send it at all. This realization makes every minute of waiting worth it.
Sometimes, pick up the phone
Some things fall outside the scope of email, and trying to deal with them in writing can cause small misunderstandings to turn into real problems.
Anything that’s emotionally charged, anything that requires real back-and-forth communication, anything where the nuances really matter…these are phone or video call conversations. The urge to write everything down is understandable, so that there’s a record without having to have a conversation in real time. But this often makes things worse.
If you’ve sent three emails and still haven’t resolved a problem, that’s usually a sign that the medium isn’t working. Pick up the phone, have a five-minute conversation, and then (if needed) send a brief written summary of what was agreed upon.
Email is a tool. It works great for the right job, but not so well for the wrong job. Understanding the differences is key to the battle.
To sum up
Write like a human, but eliminate all negativity. Reread like a critic. Send it like someone who has to work with these people tomorrow. You don’t want to burn any bridges. After all, you want your clients and colleagues to enjoy working with you. The first is how you appear in their inbox.
We all make mistakes. We don’t need to completely change who we are. We just need to write with more intention and understand that these words and how we use them are important. Master how to compose an email and the rest is easy.
